Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Musical Monday

Happy Musical Monday, everyone! This week's selection was a semi-big hit around 99-2001 (not sure what year exactly). Enjoy "I'm Outta Love" by Anastacia.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the actual post link here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

Eye Candy 11/28

Female Hottie: Salma Hayek

If there was ever a woman that personified why many (including myself) think Latin women are hot, Salma Hayek is it. Salma has had quite the career, appearing in movies such as Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, Dogma, Bandidas, Frida, and served as producer for the TV show Ugly Betty. This curvy beauty's voice can be heard in the forthcoming animated feature Puss in Boots.

Male Hottie(s): NKOTB

A couple weeks ago, I had the Spice Girls as the retro hotties, so in an effort to be fair, I decided to give these guys a chance to be featured. Lord knows my big sister drove me crazy with their music when we were growing up. These days the guys have all gone on to various other projects, but a few years back, they reunited, and did it again this past Sunday along with the Backstreet Boys, with whom they are launching a tour this summer.

Random Hottie from a movie or TV show seen this week: Thandie Newton

Thandie Newton is one of those actresses in Hollywood that you see, but never know her name. Did you even realize that she was in The Chronicles of Riddick, Mission Impossible II, 2012, or Crash? If you did, I bet you didn't know her name. I know I didn't. I recently saw her in the movie Norbit.

MILF: Catherine Zeta-Jones

Our MILF for the week is Catherine Zeta-Jones. Currently, she is lighting up Broadway in A Little Night Music, for which she won a Tony Award. She was last seen on the big screen in The Rebound (a movie which hasn't been released in the US, yet). I have to say, after 2 kids and at her age, she looks pretty good.

Classic/Retro Hottie: Adrienne Barbeau

This week's classic hottie is best known for her time in the late 70s and early 80s as a sex symbol (as you can see, she's very well blessed). Adrienne was the original Rizzo in the Broadway version of Grease, and also appeared in film and television shows such as Swamp Thing, Maude, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Creepshow and recently started on General Hospital. She also has lent her voice to numerous cartoons and video games, most notably as Hera in the God of War series and Catwoman in the 90s Batman cartoon series. At 65 yeas young, she's showing no signs of slowing down.

Quote of the Week

I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me. - Winnie the Pooh

Retro Commercial Friday

Do you remember...

Happy Thanksgiving

Flu Shot

more hilarity sent to me via e-mail

To avoid it...
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?


Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...


I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)


The way I see it...


If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said, 'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

Musical Monday

I had a bit of the sniffles this past week, but in honor of Thanksgiving breank and that fact that I'm feeling better now, I figured what better song for this week's Musicla Monday than Collective Soul's "Better Now". Enjoy!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the actual post link here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

Eye Candy 11/21

Female Hottie: Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway first came to everyone's attention with her role as Princess Mia in
The Princess Diaries. Since then she has matured as an actress and taken on a variety of roles from the more serious, to more comedic, and even animated voice overs. With a face like that, though, why wouldn't you want to see her on screen? Rumor has it that she has plenty of nude scenes in her current movie Love and Other Drugs.


Male Hottie: Daniel Radcliffe

Remember a few years ago when this guy was just a cute little boy? Well, Harry Potter has grown up right before our very eyes, and even had a chance to be fully nude in the play Equus on Broadway, which I'm sure more than a few ladies enjoyed. Aside from the Potter films, Radcliffe has appeared in a couple of movies and lent his voice to an episode of The Simpsons.

Random hottie from a movie or TV show seen this week: Summer Glau

This week's random hottie is arguably the hottest geek fantasy girl. She recently appeared on Chuck, but is best known for her role on the show Firefly or as the Terminator in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. She has also appeared on Angel, The 4400, The Big Bang Theory, Dollhouse and recently lent her voice to Supergirl in the animated DVD movie Superman/Batman: Apocalypse. Rest assured, she'll be back on this list sooner, rather than later.

MILF: Giada DeLaurentiis

Hands down one of the hottest creatures to ever grace the screens of the Food Network or step into a kitchen, Giada Delaurentiis is this week's female hottie. This recent MILF recently was seen as a mentor of The Next Food Network Star and lent her voice to a character on Handy Manny.

Classic/Retro Hottie: Barbara Eden

Barbara Eden is a true classic beauty and one of those women who epitomizes aging gracefully. One must wonder if she really had any of the genie magic that has allowed her to maintain her youthful looks at 74 yrs young. Aside from her best known role as Jeannie on I Dream of Jeannie, Barbara also appeared in other film and TV works, such as Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter, The Electric Company, as well as an extensive resume. Her next screen appearance is set to be a cameo in the 2011 movie The Muppets.

Quote of the Week

This is the 80's Claree. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past. - Dolly Parton as Truvy in Steel Magnolias

Retro Commercial Friday

Do you remember...

It ain't easy being green

Unless you've been living under a rock, or just don't bother looking at all the various "interesting" things that happen to be up on yahoo or other various homepages, then you may or may not have seen the first trailer for next summer's superhero movie Green Lantern.

I won't sit here and go into all the back story about Lantern right now, other than he is played by the newly crowned sexist man alive, Ryan Reynolds. More importantly, he is a breath of fresh air that we all need in this day and time.

Why do I say that? Well, think about all the superhero movies that have come out in the last...shall we say, 5 yrs? With the exception of the Fantastic Four movies and you can make the case for the Iron Man films, as well. Most have been dark.

The most notorious of these is Batman, especially in what most people have called the best comic book movie, ever, The Dark Knight. I am one of the few people that didn't gush over it, though. I liked it, but it was mostly because I'm a Batman fan, not because of the tone.

The point I'm trying to make here is that while Batman is dark and psychotic (been that way since the late 80s), whereas Green Lantern is a throwback to those swashbuckler heroes of the 40s and 50s.

Yahoo put this up yesterday, and said basically what I'm trying to say

Ever since the first "X-Men" in 2000, the trend in comic book movie adaptations has been to try to give a sense of realism to costumed superheroes. "Spider-Man," "Iron Man" and especially Christopher Nolan's two "Batman" movies have all tried to tone down the fantastical elements from the source material and bring the characters down to Earth.

It looks like that trend may end next summer with the release of "Green Lantern." Based on the much-loved DC Comics series, this latest superhero movie has aliens, spaceships, and a ring that creates objects out of light. But unlike some more terrestrial heroes, the cosmic explorations of the Green Lantern have always been a major part of the character's appeal.

Take a look at the first trailer for "Green Lantern" starring the newly crowned "Sexiest Man Alive," Ryan Reynolds.

Reynolds plays Hal Jordan, who was actually the second Green Lantern in the comic books starting in 1959. He is a test pilot at Ferris Aircraft alongside Carol Ferris (played by Blake Lively). Jordan discovers where a spacecraft crashes on Earth, and its alien passenger, Abin Sur (Temuera Morrison), passes on his power ring to Jordan before he dies. So Jordan is inducted into the Green Lantern Corps, sort of an interplanetary police force whose rings have the power to create anything they can imagine.

It's still an early trailer, so we only get a few glimpses of the Green Lantern's power, specifically one shot where he punches out three guys with one giant glowing fist. You see the villain Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) both before and after his head mutates to an enormous size. There is also a brief look at Sinestro (Mark Strong), the purple-skinned Lantern Corps member who starts off as Jordan's ally (but, as comic book readers know, doesn't stay that way).

It's a far cry from the gritty realism of a movie like "The Dark Knight," but that's by design. It also has a lighter tone that gives Reynolds the chance to show off his trademark charm, putting his romantic comedy experience to use in his bantering with Lively. And unlike the brooding, tortured heroes like Christian Bale's Batman or Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, Reynolds seems to be having fun with his superpowers.

Another difference is Green Lantern's costume. Rather than the spandex bodysuits or leathery armor of most movie superheroes, Reynolds was filmed wearing a motion capture suit (much like the actors in "Avatar"), and his costume is entirely created with digital effects. It gives him a sleek, glowing look that could not be acheived by traditional means.

"Green Lantern" arrives in theaters on June 17, 2011

The trailer isn't without its problems, but I am looking forward to this movie. It's fun, action packed, and above all...NOT DARK!!!!

What do you think?

The long season...

What a way to end marching season...

First off, let me apologize for not posting any real blogs the past week. Now let me catch you all up.

First off, as my loyal readers know, I was getting ready for the biggest contest of our season, as well as the final home football game.

Well, the game went great, despite being cold. We won against our arch rival, sending us into the playoffs and them home. More on the playoff trip in a sec. The most important thing about the game was the pep rally that morning.

As we all know, coaches and band directors don't normally get along. Well, at the pep rally that morning, the coach took the time before he went into his speech to let everyone know that we were going to huge contest the following morning and that it was more important for them to cheer us on and support us than to cheer for them. Ok...not exactly, but he did say something about how it was more important that they support us than the team. How often do you hear coach say that?

So, contest...a long 5 hr drive back to my alma mater. I won't lie to you, I got a bit "homesick". I was amazed at how much campus has changed, and yet stayed the same.

The kids gave their best performance of the season, and rightfully so. It was all or nothing here. Afterwards, bosman gave them a little spiel about how proud he was, blah, blah, blah...

The day goes on, and my first high school takes the field. I remember before O moved away, my band director told me that I would look back in years and be proud of what I helped establish. He wasn't kidding. They were awesome. They were followed by my college band performing in exhibition. Man, how I miss wearing that uniform!

Finally, awards ceremony. We're all gathered around waiting for the announcer. The bands before us get some rather low marks, and as I've documented here before, I believe there is a small band bias. That wasn't the case here, though, these are just tough judges, especially the color guard judge.

Having said that, we got a II in guard, II in percussion, I in drum major (personally trained by yours truly...lol), and a band got a I. We were 1 of only 2 bands to get a I in our class. Two ironic things about that. The school I left a couple years ago got a III and the other band that got a I also had a show arranged by me.

In case you forgot we got a III in our first contest, a II in the 2nd on and a I this time. While it would have been better to have Is in all 3 contests, to go from a III to a I like that is an accomplishment, even if I still think thee was small band bias.

After all the ratings were given out, it was time for the best in class. We got best in class drum major and came in 2nd in our class. Funny thing is that alot of the kids were/are a little miffed that I wrote the show that beat us. They'll get over it. It's only a business, plus that guy is one of my dearest friends and I student taught under him.

Next day, we find out that we have a playoff game up north. Bossman had to debate whether to go, especially after making a long trip the previous weekend. In the end, a prominent alumni (New Orleans' Saints defensive back Tracey Porter) paid for a charter for the football team, which freed up the school bus for us, the cheerleaders, and the fans that were gonna go.

All that sounds great, right? Well, the school board decided to try and be cheap and cram a 70 piece band, 20 cheerleaders, 40 fans, and and all the directors, sponsors, and chaperons onto 2 school buses. Needless to say, the 4 hr drive was cramped, especially since I had to sit with the...how to put this nicely...largest..guy in the band.

If you want a visual, I spent the whole time on the almost in the aisle because he literally took about the whole seat. On top of that, the game was in the worst part of town!

Apparently, there had been a shooting the previous week, where a football player has his brains literally blown out of his head following a game. On top of that, we lost. It was like our team forgot to do anything but run. When they passed, it worked. A real head scratchier, lemme tell ya.

Well, that should catch everyone up! Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings! I appreciate you all!

Musical Monday

Happy Musical Monday, everyone! Last week, I went a bit mellow on you, so let's crank things back up and have some this week, eh? Please enjoy Beyonce's "Crazy in Love"

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the actual post link here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

Ey Candy 11/14

Female Hottie: Kate Winslet

Perhaps best known for her role as Rose in Titanic, as well as being nude in almost all of her movies, Kate is an extremely talented actress who has gone out of her way to say she's proud of her curves (then went and lost a bunch of weight). Personally, I prefer curvier Kate, but she looks good no matter what.

Male Hottie: Will Smith

Hard to believe that the biggest movie star on the planet was once a skinny rapper, huh? I can't tell you how many requests I get for Will. For those wondering when he'll be back on the big screen, look for him to reprise his role as Agent J in 2012 when Men in Black III comes out.

Random Hottie from a movie or TV show seen this week: Anna Camp

I bet you have no idea who Anna Camp is, right? Well, she played Sarah Newlin on the second season of True Blood. While more of a Broadway actress, Sarah has also had guest appearances on Glee, Mad Men, Numb3rs, and has a couple of movies in the works.

MILF: Brooke Burke

Can you believe this woman has 2 kids? Currently co-hosting Dancing With the Stars, and best known for her modeling work as well as host of E!'s Wild On, Brooke is some tasty eye candy and a true MILF!

Classic/Retro Hottie: Bettie Page

The final eye candy entry this week sadly left us a couple years ago. I'm a big fan of retro pin-ups. Along with Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page is probably the best known face of that medium. Along with her pin-up work, she also did a few films. What a classic beauty, indeed. She is missed, but she left quite a legacy in pin ups. Hopefully, Dita von Tesse (the modern day pin up girl) can live up to and fill her shoes.

Quote of the Week

All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. - Ryan Reynolds as Van Wilder in Van Wilder

Retro Commercial Friday

Do you remember...

Musical Monday

Happy Musical Monday, everyone! This week, let's change the pace a bit and enjoy some good, mellow, big band jazz. Please enjoy Tommy Dorsey's signature tune, "I'm Getting Sentimental Over You"

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the actual post link here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

Eye Candy 11/7

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Quote of the Week

A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee - a lot more. - Jayne Mansfield

Do you remember...

see if you can find Alanis Morissette..

Retro Commercial Friday

Last one

So, today is the last week of the regular football season. Lots of things going on this week. Senior Day, HUGE marching contest on Saturday, rivalry game, pep rally, city-wide pep rally, etc.

Yes, I said city wide pep rally. Apparently, the SGA (remember when they used to be called student councils?) of both schools went over the heads of all the spirit group sponsors and the principals, straight to the school board and got it mandated and approved that there was to be a pep rally tonight. So, we both had to cut our last rehearsal before the biggest contest of the year short for this @#%~@#% pep rally.

Speaking of pep rallies, it was approved that we would have a blackout pep rally tomorrow. What this would be is the light would go out and the drummers would use glow-in-the dark sticks to play some stuff. It was going to be cool. Guess what? This morning, the almighty SGA went and tried to get this cancelled in favor of the entire school dressing up in their Sunday best. WTF?!? Luckily, it wasn't shot down. Thank goodness for the principal (and his daughter being in band...lol)

When did these organizations get so ballsy? Student council back in my day was nothing more than some popular students who were voted in to look pretty and organize car washes.

Anyway, so, we had our last rehearsal today. It went fairly well, but it was obvious he week has everyone distracted...or maybe it was the fact the there was a guy flying a kite over in the kiddie soccer field. I didn't even know people still flew kites!

Are we ready for Saturday? Well, we're as ready as we're gonna be. This is a young group, and next year, or the year after they're gonna be scary good. This yea has been full of growing pains for them, and us as a staff. Having said that, as long as they don't freak out at playing in a college stadium on Saturday, they'll do awesome. I'm not so much worried about them freaking out about the stadium as I am about them getting confused with the hash marks. Those of you that have been involved in marching bands know how important those little things can be.

Anyway, tomorrow is the last regular season game. If we win, its a playoff game, probably at home. If we lose, playoffs are still a possibility, but no guaranteed. In that scenario, it is more likely we'll end up having to go halfway across the state.

Funny thing about that...as a student, I looked forward to long trips at night, but as a director, not so much., It seems more like a chore. amazing what happens to you when you're on the other side, huh?

Anyway, thanks for reading my random thoughts, here.

Get this over with....

So, it is Election Day today. People all over the country are rushing out to vote because they're not happy with something. I'm not going to sit here and tell you who or who not to vote for, but to urge you to vote, no mater what.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

Have you noticed that these political ads all have a candidate saying that they're "just like us". Now, I don't know about you, but I don't millions of dollars to throw around on ads, so how is it that these people are just like us? I have yet to understand this.

Have you noticed the same or similar things?